THE NEW YEAR and the inner critic part two

We all have a rich inner life!

Let’s look at how my inner critic might approach this setup vs. my inner cheerleader/loving parent/champion/advocate (pick whichever name you like best):

Critic:

“How can you take a break when you’re not accomplishing enough already?  Rather than thinking about a break, start doing some damn work rather than speculating and worrying!”

Champion:

“A break will help you clear your mind, and you can take as many as you like.  You are inherently enough and already super-productive.  Take that as a given and see breaks as a way to help your productivity be even more vibrant!”

These were not difficult voices for me to channel–they pop right up!  So how do we get our inner champion voice to be louder, or more persuasive, than our inner critic?

OH NO!  Don’t Say It!

We’re talking about practice.

Now, I used to get the heebie-jeebies when I heard the words ‘meditation’ and ‘practice,’ because they conjured up a few ideas–BORING and DIFFICULT.  For someone who loves excitement and engagement, there are few more daunting tasks.  I used to think I didn’t like doing things that didn’t come naturally, because many things–especially schoolwork–came naturally to me (up until Calculus).  But it isn’t that.  What I don’t like is doing difficult things alone.  I need to be in community–if I feel a sense of camaraderie, that we’re in this together, then I can do hard things!  In fact, I enjoy working hard with a group.

And conversely, I thought practice needed to be hard and in a formal setting.  When teachers/trainers/mentors asked, “How’s your _____ practice?”–insert yoga/meditation/exercise/gratitude/whathaveyou–I’d feel a big shamebomb spread across my chest and slither up to the back of my neck and try to choke me.  “My practice is terrible” I’d think. But what would I say out loud?  “Great!”  Or if it was someone I knew well and really respected, “Not great,” with my head hung low.

But like meditation, practice doesn’t haunt me as much now–whether or not I do it.  In this instance we’re talking about the practice of tapping into that inner champion voice.

Last week I referenced pausing and noticing.  It’s not easy, but when you feel yourself start to worry, try to breathe and notice.  What did you feel?  Did your neck tense up?  Did your breathing slow or stop?  What threats did you identify in your brain and were they happening right now? (This is a rhetorical question–the answer is No.)  

If you’re very practiced, you may be able to just sit with that worry and anxiety until it passes.  I’m still aspiring toward that myself!  A stopgap solution, which can cover a very long-lasting gap, is to conjure a positive voice to combat the negative one, or even just redirect.

For example:  My inner critic is especially chatty first thing in the morning.  I’ll be showering or puttering around the kitchen or in the back yard with my dog and he says, “Why are you wasting time, you need to get to work!  You don’t have time to do yoga or go for a longer walk.  Why didn’t you get more done yesterday.”  And then he’ll transition to the future and its threats, his favorite topic–”You don’t have enough work for the rest of the year.  Forget about those travel plans.  What have you really accomplished so far this year?  When are going to create more offerings?  You can’t even inventory effectively what you’ve already done.  What if the economy crashes?? You’re done!”

Inner critics specialize in FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real).  Keyword: False.

When I notice my inner critic taking off, I now, through practice, have developed the ability to think “Wait.”  Like the “wait” you say when you don’t understand a concept, or are incredulous about what a friend said is happening.  As in, “Wait, Y2K was 25 years ago??  That was the year of Bush vs. Gore?  But I remember that election.”   Stops you in your tracks, right?

And once you’ve waited, once you’ve paused, your inner champion has an opening.  “Okay okay, we don’t have to worry about all those things right now, we can’t solve them right away.  Let’s just take a deep breath and get to your desk, and take one thing at a time.  The sun is shining, it’s warmer than yesterday, there’s no immediate crisis.  You can do this.”

You don’t have to be perfect.  You have the tools to encourage yourself.  And if you’re finding it hard to slowly cultivate that inner champion voice–reach out to some of the champions in your life.  Reconnect with old friends or mentors.  There are people who know how great you are, even when, especially when, you can’t see your greatness yourself.

We need you!

What’s one thing your inner champion can say that’s great about you?

The horizon is here, now.

The New Year and The Inner Critic part One

I’ve been seeing posts about the new year and setting intentions and goals and (shh, don’t say it!) res-o-lu-tions.  When I hear some of these, I hear pressure.  The opportunity for failure, and not the cool fail-forward type of failing but the deep-shame-inducing failure of coming up short.  Why would we set ourselves up for that?

There are many reasons why.  

One, many of us learned that our worth is based on our achievements and accomplishments.  Let me do X and then Y will be proud of me.

Y could equal parents, spouse, the world, teacher, society.  Is it wrong to want attention from people outside yourself?  No.  But we don’t want to be dependent on it because so much of the time that positive feedback is unavailable.  When your inner critical parent/inner critic/judge/gremlin comes to feed on your insecurity, how might you fight them off?

The first step is noticing.  So much of our anxiety is based on internalized expectations.  When can you pause and notice what you’re feeling?  I’ll give you an example.

Most weekends I have too much to do.  Because the “work week” is full of work, family, workouts, self-care and more work–I generally rely on the weekend for FUN.   So I really pack it in!  My wife and I usually do something chill on Friday night and something out on Saturday–a friends’ party, a show, a hike with our pup or some combination therein.  I also often connect with friends on Saturday morning in some fashion.  As an extrovert, the self-employed life can be a challenge even with all the Zooming I get to do.

Then Sunday is a mix.  I’ve established a no-work-on-Saturday rule, so if there are things to prep for the week ahead, they land on Sunday.  This past Sunday I squeezed in a visit to the farmers market and went to a post-holiday afternoon party.  And I’m writing this, though it doesn’t exactly feel like work or play.

The work is endless, and it can feel like I don’t have 5 minutes to meditate or deep breathe or even stretch…

But I do.  And so do you!

That inner critic can pose a threat though….  

(more next week!)

Facilitation–Making Life Easier

As a Principal at BSCC, I wear multiple professional hats.  Coach, Trainer, Mediator, Teacher, Strategic Advisor.   

However, one of my favorite titles is Facilitator.  Why?  Because it most accurately describes my approach.

Facilitators teach.  We train.  We listen.  We share.  We speak.  We open things up.  We direct traffic.  We create both safe and brave spaces.  We set boundaries.  We encourage courage.

Easing the Way

Ultimately, I identify as a facilitator because I make things easier.  With my clients, and with many classmates, friends, and colleagues over the years, my role has been to help people find solutions with more ease.

I love making things easier for my clients.

I’ve come across approaches over the years stressing that “things aren’t supposed to be easy, they’re supposed to be hard!” or people relying on “tough love” (almost the opposite of “easy”).  Perhaps there is a place and time for these strategies, but I’ve consistently found that encouraging people, while also revealing their challenges, helps them accomplish more and in a sustainable way.

The popular notion of a facilitator is someone leading discussion in a group.  I support this notion!  Sure, I can facilitate success for individual clients in coaching, or make conflicts easier to resolve in mediation, or frame concepts so they are easier to learn when I teach or train–all of these involve facilitation.  However, through team coaching, or working with groups in the same space, I love to be in the moment validating peoples’ comments while making it easier for those with different perspectives to find common ground and move forward productively.

The Bottom Line

The conclusion that this easing of obstacles, roadblocks, mishaps and unanticipated trouble leads to a strong bottom line is, to me, obvious.  I’ve seen it time and again, and clearly the more efficient and productive a company is, the more harmoniously it will make a profit.  Similarly, the more self-compassionate a person is, the more harmoniously that person will grow.  But if it isn’t obvious to you, or if you think we just need to do it the hard way because people will not see eye to eye, consider this: 

What challenge at work or in your life has been persistent?  Are there any relationships or projects that feel disorganized or where you keep hitting a wall?

What if someone could come in and create a glide path, helping you navigate turbulence, and land safely at your ultimate goal?  What if it was easier to reach goals, reap rewards, and be productive and in sync as a team with outside help?

That’s what our team of facilitators at BSCC can do for you.  Make things easier for yourself!

What You Bring

I hate bragging.  Tooting my own horn.  I worry that it might be off key, but moreso that it might be too damn loud.  I find self-promotion distasteful when others do it; why would I do that myself?

Tell the world about you!

We live in a world where we often need to be our own best advocates.  Sometimes that can be through humility, integrity–our actions speak louder.  But often, whether looking for a job, a promotion, or even a date, we have to catch someone’s attention with verbal communication, whether oral or written.  We need to speak up for who we are.

Why do I so dislike others’ self-promotion?  Perhaps because I see it as somewhat desperate and a sign of insecurity.  Bravado, blatant self-regard–it makes me feel like someone’s hiding something.  “If you’re so great at that, I should know it already; or show me!”  Ironically, I hate having to prove myself.  I want people to automatically know I’m awesome.  

That’s not how things work.

You may be having one of two reactions at this point.  

1. “Why not?!” You’re resistant to bragging, too?  Read on!

2. “Duh.”  You already know you have to promote yourself and have accepted or even embraced it?  You can stop reading (or keep on reading if you’re curious about my analysis.)

But for the “Why not?!” people, like me, asking, “Why don’t people just know how amazing I am? My references are great!  Look at my amazing resume.  I’m a really ______ person.”  Well…there are lots of reasons.

People are caught up in their own lives, their own needs.  If you’ve ever hired someone, you know that you had a certain need to fill and wondered, “Will this candidate be able to do what I need them to?  Can I trust them?  Will they fit in well enough with the team?  Will they make my job easier or cause me stress?  Will they help me get a promotion?”

Even if we are of service to others in many aspects of our lives (parents, volunteers, friends and more) we all have to look out for our own needs first.  Will I be okay?  Will I thrive?

When you let people know what you bring, how you will be valuable to them, you help them answer these two questions with a booming, “Yes!”

Yes!, hiring manager, you will be okay if you hire me.  Yes!, potential romantic partner, you will thrive if you pair up with me.  Yes!, potential client, you will increase your bottom line and your business will grow if you contract for my services.

In fact, when you toot your own horn, you’re doing others a favor.  You’re letting them know how awesome you are so they don’t have to go look.  You’re saving them the search.  You’re making their life easier.  You’re fulfilling a need.

So, how do you do this?  Start with a list.  It may sound simple, but it can be hard to wipe away all the cloudy self-doubts on your internal windshield.  Start small if you need to, but write down what you bring.  Here’s an example:

I am thoughtful, quirky, funny.

I am wise, surprising, resilient.

I am helpful, caring, persistent.

I am a great listener, creative.

I love animals.

I can see possibilities others can’t.

I do high quality work.

I am great to be around.

I make connections between people and ideas.

I love public speaking.

I provide valuable outside perspective.

I cheer people up and support them in their pain.

Now write yours!  It doesn’t need to be perfect.  The list can change all the time.  You contain multitudes.  Set your self-criticism aside for the moment.  Just write it out.  Paste it in your office later, on your dashboard.  All the better, email it to me!  I’ll keep the list confidential.  But I want to know how great you are.  And so does the world!

Gratitude

The word is often overused, but in my case underutilized.  Recently I’ve had flashes of it amidst a new year of displacement.

Our relatively recently-purchased home is stripped down to its “studs” and “joists”–words that I didn’t even know two months ago–because a second-floor pipe burst while we were out of town on Christmas Day.

Our community has rallied around us, and I’ve felt warm waves of gratitude pour over me, despite the many stresses of trying to rebuild, and balance with all of life’s other duties and opportunities.

I am also amazed that despite being unmoored, literally, I have everything that I need.  In fact, I’m less distracted by the ujja* that made up my room.  I have shirts, pants, a place to stay.  And insurance is paying.  It’s not overpaying, but we have enough.  At least for now.

I have a lovely space to meet with clients, private and full of light.
When I stop worrying–do you ever worry?(*wink)–I’m grateful for my slippers.  The wood floors.  The fridge.  Someone else’s art on the rental house walls.  

So much of our understanding of ourselves is based on a deficit, that we need more.  A better job.  More money.  A new house or car.  More land.  More fulfilling work.  Until…blank.

No, I didn’t mean to write ______ there.  We literally get to “blank.”  There is no arrival.  Retirement could be one destination, but then what?  What do we do with that time, especially when aches and pains and medical needs might abound?  There’s always more to do.

Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash

I’ve met people who enjoy this constant striving and it doesn’t get to them, but that’s rare.  More often, once ambition becomes a key factor, or “achievement” is the goal, there is no end to that cycle.  Rather than yearning and working for what we’re missing, what if we treasure what we’ve already found?

If you’ve read this far, something in you is open enough to that idea.  And I’ve written this far for the same reason.  I’m no expert on gratitude.  But rather than focusing on the need to show more gratitude, I can notice what I have, what I have done, and that I’m here in this moment of reflection.  And be grateful for that.

This, then, is a posture we can carry into work, into relationships, into the open air.  Just breathing in is an opportunity to give thanks.  It can seem cheesy until we actually do it.  

In my coaching certification program at New Ventures West, they gave us a laminated card that said “Gratitude or Resentment.  What do I choose today?”  So easy and yet so hard.  Go for it.

*(wondering what ujja is!  Feel free to reach out to me to find out!)

Retreats

I love retreats. The bonding, the openness, the reset. It’s a place to get to know your community better and set new directions.

But as I was advising on retreat design last week, I remembered one of the reasons why a lot of people Don’t like retreats—because the goals and outcomes are unclear. The other crucial mistake many teams make coming out of retreats is not having a transparent and actionable plan for follow up.

Key questions to ask:

• Why are we having a retreat?

• What are the goals? Is every session of the retreat speaking to these goals? (the answer should be Yes)

• As a leader, what is my real agenda and how can I be more transparent?

• What is my follow up plan to make sure good ideas are valued and potentially implemented?

Pre-Production:

Why are you having a retreat in the first place? Some of your team might feel overworked and that they don’t have enough time to do their work let alone be out of the office. How will you create value for them? Incorporate their input. State why you think it’s important to have a retreat, but that you want their input on key parts of it in advance so that they have a stake.

Have a large team in which not everyone can get their “hands on the wheel” of driving the retreat? Create a written instrument in which they can provide feedback. Retreat planning takes time, but the more you invest the bigger the return!

Design:

—What are your goals?

You need to set clear goals and make sure you return to them throughout the retreat. All activities should be driven by your goals.

One example:

—Get staff’s input on plans for the next six months.

Managers often design retreats asking staff for their opinions—but then those opinions aren’t included in action. So any skeptics coming into a retreat become all the more hardened in their frustrations when a month or two passes without clear action. This will especially be the case of they’ve been to a number of retreats over the years that haven’t demonstrated their impact.

Maybe you do actually want your employees’ input, but also want to make it clear you are their leader. You were hired for a reason, right? The key comes down to Framing.

Rather than just asking for their input generally, make sure to frame honestly and transparently. For example:

“This is my plan for the next six months.* What specific questions or feedback do you have?” Thus you have established you’ve thought through the plan, but are open to tinkering with it based on their opinions.

Then later, at the end of the retreat, provide a timeline (ideally no more than two weeks), when you’ll report back on how you are going to address that input.

This is the difficult, but vital, work of management.

(* it’s important to hold retreats at least twice annually. That way you get a throughline for your work and show that you’re dedicated to pulling the staff together (building morale, get genuine input, thank them in person/on zoom)).

A retreat is a promise. The name is a bit of a misnomer, because you’re not just “taking a break,” you’re framing what could be better in your office or community. And you’re dedicated time, away from normal duties, to focus on something vital. When possible, make retreats multiple days. There is no such thing as a “half-day retreat.”

In the era of zoom fatigue, that’s challenging right? But the same principals that apply to in-person retreats are even more important online.

Pacing

People needs breaks, and they especially need a long lunch break! Why?—well the mind can only pay attention for so long. If you’ve created a highly participatory retreat, then you can build energy and momentum between sessions and the dynamism can hold participants attention for longer. But every group has introverts, and giving a long lunch break shows that you realize people need to decompress and absorb what’s happened so far.

If your retreat has a lot of lecture (not ideal), then they need even more time in between to reset their minds to absorb what’s next.

Pacing also speaks to the kind of activities you include.

—When are people on their feet?

—Are snacks readily available?

—What strategies do you have to keep people awake, especially after lunch?

—Are you requiring cameras on, and what’s the reasoning?

If you are planning a retreat with adults you must always keep in mind that most crucial of concepts for adult learners: RATIONALE. I’m not a big all caps fan, but it’s needed here. Adults need to know why you’re doing something in order to buy in.

Follow-Up

Okay so you gathered tons of great data and your team members were really engaged during the retreat! What’s your plan for carrying that good will and those action items into your day-to-day work?

Some ideas:

• Tie any action items into your larger goals. If one request was more updates on what’s happening with other teams, demonstrate how you are providing those inputs through your internal communications and remind people that this idea came out of the retreat

• Provide anecdote reminders from the retreat in all-staff communication. One of the more innovative ice-breakers I experienced at a retreat were when the two female leaders of the office set up a small psuedo-hockey rink on the conference room floor, threw on jerseys, and passed the puck with their too-large hockey sticks narrating a metaphor for our team scoring goals on key benchmarks. It was kind of ridiculous, but very memorable and an easy anecdote to refer back to when we closed in on goals set from the retreat later in the year.

• Delegate. Not all communication needs to come from the leader. Demonstrate that you are providing opportunities for staff to lead and work with team members on communications on various initiatives. This will strengthen your relationships with staff members and show that you’re dedicated to their professional development.
  

Remember, a retreat is a promise. Let me help you keep it.